Sit Down! Shut up! Go to your room! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times! How does that make you feel? As an adult, you would never accept this kind of treatment from someone, yet children are treated this way everyday. Children need to be treated with love and respect or they will suffer long-term behavioral problems. Ultimately, treating your child like a person will help them to grow up to be happy and emotionally healthy.
According to Parenting Preschoolers, Issue No. 1 by Denis Waitly, published by North Dakota State University, there are three types of parenting which produce radically different results: the authoritarian approach, the permissive approach, and the democratic approach. While both authoritarian and permissive parenting approaches can cause serious problems, a democratic parenting technique offers the best option for a healthy, happy, and well adjusted child.
The authoritarian parenting approach is best described as the "Do what I say!" method. Control is a major issue. The parent is the “Boss,” and the child must follow very rigid rules. Children aren't asked, they are told, and the parent demands respect through fear. The parent often ignores the feelings of children and others. Physical punishment and humiliation are common techniques used by authoritarian parents.
There are many undesirable results of an authoritarian parenting approach. It can make children poorly socialized and withdrawn and unable to initiate activities on their own. They may experience difficulty making friends, and exhibit poor communication skills. They can become coercive, sneaky and demanding. They fail to learn self control and become lonely with a negative self-image.
According to The Preschool Years by Ellen Galinsky and Judy David, New York Times Books, 1988, spanking or yelling unkind words teaches children that the world is unpredictable and unsafe. This kind of discipline also teaches a child that if no one is watching, he can get away with "bad" behavior and that threatening and hurting people is how to get them to do what you want.
Permissive or “Do what you want” parenting contributes to a variety of difficulties as well. According to The Winning Family by Louise Hart published by Life Skills Press in 1987, permissive parents are often indifferent or uncaring, and won't accept power. They are frequently not involved in their children's lives. Permissive parents refuse to limit a child's behavior. They are indulgent and lenient, and have no established rules. They place no demands on their children, and have no expectations for their children‘s success.
Permissive parenting can cause children to lack self discipline and control. Like their parents, they are indifferent or uncaring. Permissively parented children exhibit low self-esteem and are easily discouraged. They defy limits yet want and need them. Ultimately they fail to learn social skills and responsibility.
Democratic parenting results in well adjusted and socialized children. "Let's talk it over..." is a typical opening to a parent-child dialogue of a democratic parenting style. Power is shared between parent and child. The parent sets rules and limits, but children have choices within those limits. A democratic parenting approach shows loving firmness, recognizes normal stages of growing up, and fosters self-control in children by not bribing or punishing. It corrects misbehavior by talking about feelings, expectations and what to do instead.
According to Adult Consequences of Childhood Parenting Styles By Henry T. Stein, Ph.D., adults who were raised with democratic approach feel connected and part of life. They benefit from a positive attitude, and always willing to improve life. They are willing to help, share with, contribute to, and cooperate with others. Feels equal to partner.
The word "discipline" actually means "to teach." The discipline you use to get children to behave teaches them about themselves and about their relationships with others. Good discipline sets limits and rules and helps a child focus on how to follow the rules. Good discipline doesn't punish a child for making mistakes. It teaches her what to do instead.
Wise parents understand that good discipline teaches a child to behave even when parents are not around. They know that a child needs to know how to get along with other people. Children will work very hard to please when you treat them with love and respect . Avoiding authoritarian and permissive parenting and employing a democratic approach will encourage children to be happy, well adjusted and well socialized.
Ultimately it’s simple: treat children with love and respect and they will grow up to be better people.
