Some Dad Jokes

 

I had a blind date once…

I told her I was handsome.

She believed me.

 

I broke into a nunnery.

I searched all the nun’s closets.

All I could find was bad habits.

 

I had a duck that could exist in two places at the same time…

It was a pair-a-ducks.

 

(In English accent)

I asked this bird if she fancied a shag…

She told me she preferred hard wood.

 

There’s a streaming service for squirrels

It’s called NutFlix

 

An Apple store was robbed

The only person who saw what happened was an iWitness

 

How do you see the dark side of the moon?

You spread the cheeks…

 

Did you hear about the pop band that’s blowing up?

Its called Boys 2 Women…

 A teacher asked little Johnny to tell a story with a moral. He said "A horse and a chicken were playing, and the horse fell in a mud pit. The chicken got his BMW and a rope and pulled the horse out. A little while later, the chicken fell in the mud pit, and the horse straddled the mud pit and said grab my dick, and pulled the chicken out." 

The teacher says "Well that's an interesting story Johnny, but what is the moral?"" Johnny says "The moral is if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Beemer to pull chicks." 

English accent: "When I was a gull, I spent my days at the beach, but now I'm a turkey, and all I have to look forward to is getting roasted."